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I love to surf the net for communities of freakish folks, extreme points of view, and kooky belief systems. It’s in my nature because I come from a family of Fundamentalist Protestants and was one myself until I was around age 16. So, I suppose it is no real wonder that my surfing always brings me back around to the Fundies and their wonderful perspectives on the world.
It was because of my confused teen years, meaning that I was not receiving sensible answers to the questions I was asking, that I ended up studying philosophy. In many ways this just brought further confusion, but I was eventually able to find my way out of Plato’s Cave and see the world through the lens of the myriad perspectives we humans use. Which is why I am here now writing about the Fundies and their very special set of perspectives.
There are over 22,000 Christian denominations in the world. At least 2200 of those are in the US. That means that there are 22,000 recognized interpretations of the Bible. Yet my Father, a minister, continues to maintain that there is only one “right way” to interpret the Bible. Somehow he can’t seem to make me understand what that One Way is though.
The best thing about Fundies, and keep in mind that I used to lead the singing in church and am one of the most tolerent people you might ever meet, is that they are soooo much fun to dislike. They are always stirring up trouble in their goofy, ‘ah shucks’ kind of way, and getting into all kinds of funny shenanigans. Take Steven Wentland, Principal of Belridge Elementary School in central California. Back in 1999, he was kickin butt for the Lord by making the public school system what it really should be. A place where kindergartners learn about how wrong modern history really is.
The first thing you should know about this fellow is that his business card states, "Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord." The second is that the American Civil Liberties Union filed suit against the school for using a bunch of donated school books that are decidedly Fundamentalist.
The story is not that uncommon, and I won’t get deep into the details, but I do want to mention some of the gems mentioned in the books which are published by A Beka Book Inc. of Pensacola, FL.
In its history books, the authors state that "God allowed America to remain hidden from Europe until Columbus discovered it."
The Renaissance revived the classical literature and scientific ideas of ancient Greece and Rome and inspired beautiful art, but it also promoted pagan ideas and immorality."
The books say that the ancestors of Native Americans came to the New World after Noah's Flood 4,000 years ago after being cast out of the Tower of Babel, and that "the early American Indians, like most other people, had forsaken the things that their ancestors knew about God. Their stories about the Creation and the Flood were not accurate."
The texts also decry Unitarianism and the transcendentalism of Ralph Waldo Emerson and Henry David Thoreau as "challenges to Christianity" and call Mormonism, Jehovah's Witnesses and Christian Science "cults."
On top of all this, Wentland has a banner in the cafeteria stating. "This is the day the Lord hath made. Let us rejoice and be glad."
I am referencing this story because it illustrates a point about assumptions Fundies make. Besides the whole issue with the separation of church and state, it seems that Fundies just really have a problem sharing their space with others. They just can’t seem to allow anyone else room in the sandbox for their toys. I have no problem with a moment of silence before class starts. My son can pray to Thoth or Isis, or even meditate for a minute on the realization of the little Buddha that he is, while the little Fundie kids shiver and ask forgiveness for thinking that they might like to read the Harry Potter book that the kid next to them on the bus had been so into. Or better yet, let my child use that time to finish his homework assignment.
What I am strongly objecting to is that Principal Wentland is taking it on himself to assume that all of those kids would be best served if they really believe that Native Americans descended from Babylon. Sure, he states that the books would have been edited before use, but how much would you want to bet that most of the editing would have been the “modern, humanist, secular” information.
Here are some other choice Wentland comments. "I believe in the separation of church and state, but what I don't understand is the separation of God from the state." He says that if Congress opens its sessions with prayers and if dollar bills proclaim "In God we trust," then "why if they acknowledge the existence of God must we bend over backward to hide his existence from our students?"
The problem here is that Wentland is assuming that everyone believes in God and that God is male. The reoccurring issue with Fundies of all types is that they like to assume that they are making the best decisions for everyone.
Pop quiz: Q. - Why? A. - Because they are RIGHT, right?
I mean their whole belief system is based on assuming that they have the line on Truth and that everyone else is either going to burn in Hell or just barely get past St. Peter because they were trying to be a Christian, but just hadn't decided to go with the right choice from over 22, 000 recognized interpretations of a 2000 year old history and cultural values lesson.
Well, I suppose that until Jesus comes back and takes his chosen away that we are destined to have to live in peace with our zany neighbors the Fundamentalists. And I am trying hard to be a good Buddhist/pagan/existentialist/Taoist/agnostic and forgive them, but all I really want to do is chain a homosexual, a feminist, a Buddhist monk, and Ozzy Osbourne to Pat Buchannon for a week in the newest variation on reality shows. However, I realize that if I don't get over all this I will probably just have to encounter Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson again in my next life, where I am sure to be the unappreciated deacon aide to them in the Holy Rocket of Jesus Revival tour of the solar system. So, I am trying really hard to let my aggression go and deal with my distaste in a positive subliminating manner.
In the end, I just keep my head up and nurse a little dream in the back of my mind. In 2050, when my decrepit ass is warming a Florida bench at a retirement home for alcoholics, you can bet that I am going to heckle the resident street preacher every two minutes with, "Hey! I thought Jesus was coming back in 2000? Huh? What happened to the 2nd coming?” Oh yeah, well I guess he doesn’t love you too much if he’s rescheduled for 3000!” By the way, I have front row reservations for the 3rd circle of Hell, right beside Ralph Waldo Emerson.
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Source: Washington Post, 1999
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/national/daily/sept99/belridge7.htm
Chadwick Seagraves
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The Wicked Reverend
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The author resides in Kansas City and is a Customer Service Manager for a Fortune 500 Computer manufacturer. He is an ordained Minister with Universal Ministries and the Universal Life Church. He graduated in 1997 as an Honors Scholar and holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Philosophy. His primary interests are in the Philosophy of Religion, Existentialism, Eastern Philosophy, Metaphysics, and Ethics. He is an avid student of Occult Philosophy and specializes in Kabbalistic, Hermetic, Egyptian, and Theosophical thought in the Western Tradition. He is a member in Good standing of the Ancient Free and Accepted Masons where he holds the Blue Lodge degree of Master Mason.
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